What Lies Beyond The Smile.

   Hello, to the freaks and the forgotten. A long time ago, I made the mistake of letting someone in, instead of building my walls. It was a very bad mistake because after I let them in, and after they saw the real me, I began to trust them. I began to open up to them even more. I even began to care about them and worry about them. It even got to the point where I considered them my best friend.

   You see, I was that kid who was bullied all of their life, didn’t have any friends, even thought about ending it. So, when someone else came along and helped me out of the locker that my bullies had trapped me in, and became my friend, I began to think that maybe ending it wasn’t worth it. I began to feel as if I had friends, as if I belonged somewhere, and people wanted me around. The bullying began to settle down, and almost stopped completely.

   But, just as I thought that things were finally beginning to look up, the only friend that I had ever had, throughout all of the pain and misery, left me. I watched, unable to stop it, as he fell. He fell and hit the ground with the sound of a gun, and there was nothing that I could do about it but run to his side and hope that it wasn’t over. Hope that there was another battle to fight, a war to still win, and that he hadn’t lost his war. I hoped that there would be a chance to sit in our tree house, once again, as he strummed his guitar and I pretended to bury my-self in my homework, but actually listening as he played. I ran to his side hoping and hoping, but my hope was lost, as I saw his face and his bright blue eyes, staring at me.

   People were screaming, my face was dripping in tears, sirens were screeching from over the hill, and yet all that I could really hear was his voice singing How to Save a Life by The Fray; the last song that will ever hear him play. I heard his laugh, saw his smile, in the back of my mind, all while listening to his voice sing the song that he loved so much. But, when I looked into his eyes, I couldn’t see the light that would brighten up the beaten old tree house, nor the wrinkles under them as he laughed. I saw a darkness clouding the blue of his irises and scratch on his left cheek from when he hit his head. As the ambulance took the only person who ever cared and the only person whom I cared about, all of the things that reminded me of him, were lost in the back of my memory. My mind flooded with the sound of his body hitting the ground and the sad, lost look on his face replacing the reassuring smile that he would give me every time that I came over after school.

After that, I pushed away my new friends, and began shutting people out, once again. When it came to the bullies, I used to at least try to block them out, or stand up for my-self. But, after watching my best friend loose his final battle, I would sit there and take it. I would listen to the insults and not even flinch, as they gave me a black eye.

   Eventually, what little friends that I had gained before the fall, moved on and forgot about me. All except one, she’d continue to take the time to come up to me every morning and ask me how I was doing. Even though, I never answered her, she would still ask me, every morning, and sit next to me, in silence, until she had to leave for class.

   I never understood why she would do that, I didn’t understand why she cared. Hell, I still don’t. But, I never asked, I never even replied, expecting her to leave and move on just like the others. But, she never did, she kept at it for months, until I finally looked at her and asked her, “What are you doing, asking me if I’m okay? I’m the freak and every one’s punching bag for them to release all of their anger out on. But, never mind all that, you still talk to me, when you could be picked on too, for it. Why do you even give a crap, anyways, about someone like me?” (I was 9.)

   What she did next, surprised me. She looked me square in the eye, and told me, in the most monotone way, “Because, while every dumb person here seems to want to tell you that you’re no good, and not worth anything…I want to remind you that none of these dummies are right. You, are really cool, and I think someone needs to remind you of that. Plus, you need to know you’re not alone, and you have a friend.” She smiled at me after saying that, and I was shell-shocked. I never thought that anyone, other than the one who lost his war, would ever say that to someone like me. I always thought that people would only throw their stones and never take a second glance at the one they were throwing them at. She had to leave for her class before I had a chance to thank her. But, she didn’t leave without giving me a quick glance and a slight smile, before saying “hi” to one of her friends.

   She and I are still friends today. She’s gotten me through a lot, some might even say the she has helped me from hell and back, but, I would do the same for her. I was still bullied, but she would stand up for me when she saw it. She and a few others became my closest friends, and I could never repay that.

   My point is… Life is a war worth fighting. Every decision, your battles. Every friend, a soldier. Maybe you have the smallest army, or maybe you have the largest. Maybe you’ve lost a few battles, or you’ve lost a lot. But, the war isn’t over, the fighting will continue. You will lose some soldiers, and you will lose some battles, it will happen. But, that doesn’t mean that the war is over, just because you lose your best soldier, because, there will always be another soldier fighting the same war, helping you fight your war. The only way to win this war that is life, is to continue fighting. You may think about retreating, or surrendering, but, you can’t, you have to continue fighting. Just because you’ve lost one battle, doesn’t mean that you will lose the next, nor the next. If you keep fighting, doesn’t matter how many battles that you win or lose, it matters if you kept fighting through it all.

When you look back on how many battles you’ve lost, all hope of winning this war may seem as if it never existed. But, it will get better, there will be another battle and it’s your decision whether you fight stronger and smarter, or if you surrender this war or not.

   Though we part our ways now, we will meet again, on the path that we all follow. Lost in the depths of this cruel world, this is Pheonix Slade, walking The Trail Of The Broken.