The Confession In The Dark.

   Hello, to the freaks and the forgotten. Normally I would tell you something worth reading, or something to help you get through the day. But, today I can’t.

   Remember how I said that we all walk the trail of the broken? Well, today someone asked me something that made me realize just how long that I’ve been on this trail. I guess you could say that I’ve walked this path before, strayed from it for a while, but just ended right back on this stupid trail.

He asked me “why do you self-hate, so much?” On the outside, I blew it off, changed the subject, not answering the question. But, on the inside, I thought about it. And the more that I thought about it, the more I realized, I’ve felt like this for as long as I can remember. I don’t know when it started or what started it, but I know that I believe what I think about myself.

   I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is a mop of un-brushed, greasy brown hair, that no matter how many times I try to fix it, it just goes back to that hideous, tangled, crap-mop sitting on a worthless, piece of shit that no one will ever care about. I see a poor excuse for an ugly, crap face, beyond the repair of makeup or some other cosmetic style. I see ugly, crappy, swamp eyes, just above two inch bags. If I look deeper, I see a bitch with problems. Many problems, from paranoia to depression, from ADD to depression to schizophrenia. I hide it from other people, but, I still see it. And no matter how hard I try, I can never see something good within me, because from my experience there is nothing there.

   As I think about that question, I realize just how broken I am. I realize just how pathetic I probably sound, but, there’s more to it than me sitting here talking about how much I hate myself. What I’m trying to say is that when I think about this question, everything just kind of falls into realization.

I’ve been feeling like this for as long as I can remember. So, I self-hate and look at myself in awful ways because I don’t know how to look at myself any differently. I’ve never had anyone look at me a different way. Throughout my life, I was surrounded by bullies. They would torture me, tease me, push me, beat me, even spit at me. So, when someone tells me something different, than the things that the bullies throw at me, I don’t believe it. I don’t believe them. I think that “they’ll change their mind, realize that I’m not worth even a second glance. They’ll move on with their lives and forget about me completely. Then, I’ll be alone, once again, surrounded by bullies.” I’ve lost a lot of friends because I would push them away, and they would move on. Those few who wouldn’t let me push them away, were just hurt, in the end, all because they didn’t follow the others and realize that I’m not worth puling back.

   But, if you really know me, then you would know just how hypocritical that sounds, because as I push people away, I also refuse to abandon the ones who push me. I just push back. But, while we stay together for now, soon enough, one of us is going to slip up and we’re both going to fall. We will hit the ground and while it’s true that neither of us are pushing each other anymore, neither are we standing. We will fall, and they will pick themselves up and leave me, lying there on the ground, not wanting to get back up.

   But, as the question at hand echo’s in my head, I can’t help but think about just how broken I really am. So, the answer to your question would be, I don’t know. I don’t know why I hate myself so much, I can’t remember what made me feel this way, or why I feel this way. All I know, is that I don’t know how else to feel or think. I know that the many things that I hate about myself, are things that I truly believe.

   Go ahead, reticule me. But, that wont change the fact that I believe these things about myself. And it sure as hell wont change the fact that when I open up to people they’re either hurt or scared away. So, when I tell you “I’m fine.” Think twice, because for me there’s great, good, okay, not okay, dying, RUN, fine. Believe me, when you ask me something like “why do you self-hate, so much?” I will tell you that “I’m fine.” When in reality, I’m not okay (I promise).

   Though we part our ways now, we will meet again, on the path that we all follow. Lost in the depths of this cruel world, this is Pheonix Slade, walking The Trail Of The Broken.